


The Tide Falls

by Meri



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-12-01
Updated: 2002-12-01
Packaged: 2017-10-12 00:46:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/118958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meri/pseuds/Meri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack has to deal with a family tragedy and Daniel is there to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tide Falls

**Author's Note:**

> **Notes:** Thanks to my beloved editor: Marcelle G. And my wonderful betas: Lanning Cook, Stacey B, Quercus, and Spring

_The day returns, but nevermore  
Returns the traveller to the shore,   
And the tide rises, the tide falls. _  
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

Daniel followed Jack into his house, carrying bags of take-out -- Thai for him, from the new place, and pizza for Jack, from the old reliable. They had been off-world for five days, and were battered and bruised from an encounter with several angry Jaffa.

Jack limped over to the table and sat down, his movements sluggish and slow. "Damn, I hate this."

"Be grateful that's it's only a couple of bruises. You'll be okay in a few days." Daniel deposited the food on the table and went into the kitchen for the plates.

Jack looked up. "Get me a beer, too, would you?"

"Janet said no alcohol with the pain pills." While Daniel was the first one to admit he didn't always follow doctor's orders, he did know better than to mix pain meds with anything else.

"Daniel --" Jack glared as Daniel put the dishes on the table.

"Jack --" Daniel glared right back, dishing up a couple of slices of pizza onto Jack's plate and green chili curry onto his. "Eat."

"I want a beer. Pizza isn't pizza without beer," Jack pouted, turning pleading eyes toward him.

As cute as Daniel thought that was, he wasn't going to be swayed by it. "No. Can't you ever follow instructions?"

"No." Jack took a huge bite out of the pizza. "Damn I'm hungry, and this is so good."

Picking up his chopsticks, Daniel dug into the curry with relish. It was as good as he'd hoped. Companionable silence descended as they ate.

"Forgot again. Messages," Jack said, nodding toward the machine. "Could you hit the play button for me?"

"Sure." Daniel reached across the counter between the dining room and the kitchen and pressed play. The first two were hang-ups. The third was from one of Jack's neighbors, asking for help with a project. Daniel smiled at that. Jack was such a softie when it came to helping out. All of the older women in the neighborhood had his number and used it with alarming frequency. Jack never said no.

The last message came on. "This is Jonathan O'Neill. My wife Mary is dying, and she'd like to see you. If you're not too busy, please try to be here."

Daniel turned to see Jack's face pale. "Uh... who?" he asked, already afraid of what the answer might be.

"That, believe it or not, was my father," Jack said with unreadable eyes and in a tone that showed no emotion at all.

In one of those split-second decisions that he never questioned, Daniel knew what he needed to do. He returned to the couch and sat down next to Jack, knocking his shoulder affectionately. "When do you want to go?"

"I'm not sure I do." But there was no conviction, not much of anything in Jack's voice, which usually was a bad sign.

"Jack?" Daniel inquired softly, concerned.

His eyes were sad, but Jack grinned as he looked at Daniel. "I suppose that you won't let me say that I don't want to talk about it?"

"Um, no. Not a chance of that." Jack should know him better than that by now; besides, Jack looked like he needed to talk about it.

Shaking his head, Jack sat back, staring out the glass doors. "I didn't think so. Mary is my mother."

Daniel was prepared to wait as long as necessary for Jack to find the words. "Got that when you said Jonathan was your father. Why don't you want to go home?"

"It's not home. Not by a long shot," Jack said quickly, his face turning hard and stubborn. "My father and I don't get along."

With a snort, Daniel shook his head. That was hardly a surprise. Two O'Neill men in one household. They had probably been butting heads the whole of Jack's life. "He's just like you, isn't he?"

"Jesus Christ, I hope not." Jack looked a little green at the thought. "I hope I'm a lot more flexible and a lot less autocratic."

Daniel thought about making a joke, but realized in time that this went deeper than two men who were too much alike. "What happened?"

"Oh, tons of stuff. But the biggest was that he didn't approve of me going into the military. Thought I was too good for that. Or rather his son was too good for it," Jack said.

Considering how much work it took to get in to any of the academies, Daniel couldn't imagine why anyone wouldn't support their child's decision to go. Most parents were proud as hell. "Why?"

Jack shrugged and looked away with a sigh. "He wanted me to follow him into business, to take over after him."

"What kind of business?"

"Ever hear of Chandler industries? My father is - was, actually, since I think he's retired now -- a big muckety-muck there."

"Um. Yes, actually, I have heard of it. They gave a grant to a friend of mine right before I got involved with the Stargate program. We're talking pretty rich here, aren't we?" Another surprise. Even knowing Jack as well as he did, Daniel would never have suspected that Jack came from an affluent background.

"They are. I'm not." Jack blushed.

Daniel couldn't fathom why; being rich wasn't a crime. "Um... you never thought to mention this to me before?"

"It never came up. What difference does it make who my parents are, anyway?" Jack shrugged casually, although his tone was defensive.

Okay, so maybe this wasn't the time to bring it up. "Makes no difference at all -- not to me, anyway. When did you see them last?"

"I saw my mother at Charlie's funeral. My father refused to come out for it. She tried to stay in touch with me after that, but after Sara left, I wasn't in any kind of shape to deal with anything and eventually she stopped trying."

"And your dad?"

"When Charlie was five. They came out for his birthday party. They loved their grandson, especially my father. I'd never seen him like that before." There was a note of something, exasperation, hurt, annoyance, Daniel wasn't sure what, in Jack's voice.

That he cared for his grandson had to say something about the man, even if Jack didn't see it. "So when do we go to Chicago?"

"We, Kemosabe?"

Pasting what he hoped was his most stubborn look on his face, Daniel nodded. "As in you and me."

Something flashed in Jack's eyes, something Daniel thought might be gratitude, but it was gone quickly. "Why would you want to come with me?"

At least Jack hadn't said Daniel couldn't go. Not that it really would have mattered -- Jack gave him all kinds of orders he failed to obey, especially when it was for Jack's own good. "I'm your friend."

A quick smile came and went on Jack's face. "I appreciate that, but this isn't going to be pretty."

Daniel had no doubt about what it would be like, and that Jack could handle it on his own, if he had to. But if Daniel could be there and make the burden a little easier to bear, then that was the least he could do for his best friend. "I'm not expecting pretty. But you know me, glutton for punishment."

"Okay. Thanks." Jack looked ridiculously grateful. "I'll need to call Hammond and request leave."

"I'll call the airlines." Daniel was moving towards the phone, already deciding on what books and transcripts he needed to take with him.

They left the following morning.

* * *

Jack closed his eyes, sitting back in the cab. The warm sunshine coming through the windows and the slight vibration of the vehicle lulled him into what he knew was a false sense of well-being.

Breathing in Daniel's after shave, Jack was comforted by his nearness. He shifted a little closer, so that their shoulders touched. When Daniel looked at him, he could only nod his thanks. Daniel smiled, seeming to understand.

Far too soon, they were standing on the porch outside Jack's parent's home.

The house was a large white, single story structure with four bedrooms. It amazed him that neither it nor the neighborhood had changed -- still the affluent, but not ostentatious suburb of Chicago. No glaring displays of wealth, though Jack was certain that property values around here had skyrocketed and that the place was worth a mint. Probably always had been.

In a fit of what he recognized as his own futile defiance, Jack had worn his dress blues. Squaring his shoulders, he knocked on the door, standing at attention until it was answered by his father.

For a second, they just looked at each other, not saying anything. Jonathan looked considerably older and more tired than Jack remembered from the last time they'd met.

Ever gracious, his father inclined his head slightly. "Jack. Come in."

"Thanks." Jack started to step through the doorway, his back and legs aching from the plane ride and then the cab ride out. Not being at his best was an annoyance, but he'd cope.

Someone cleared his throat. Oh, fuck, forgot about Daniel. He gestured for Daniel to come in as well. "This is Dr. Daniel Jackson."

His father stared at them as if they were aliens for one second before his demeanor changed, and he held out his hand to Daniel with something akin to a smile. "I'm Jonathan O'Neill. It's good to meet you, Dr. Jackson. Come in, please."

Daniel and his father shook hands briefly, and then his father stepped back, allowing them to step into the foyer. A quick glance showed things inside had changed, been redecorated, but still there was the subtle understatement of wealth.

It was something Jack had never forgotten about his parents: never any ostentatious displays or bad taste. Keep everything quiet. Never let anyone see what you're thinking. Don't make a scene. How many times had his father admonished him not to be loud or smart-mouthed or obnoxious?

Jonathan led them into his office, a dark, somber room with wooden paneling and an empty fire place. Books lined the walls and Jack fought a smile as Daniel's eyes lit at the sight. "Later," he whispered, putting a hand on Daniel's arm.

Daniel nodded, his attention returning to Jack's father, his smile fading.

Jack cleared his throat. "How is she?"

"As I told you, she's dying. Cancer." Jonathan's tone lost some of its civility, its gloss, and became something raw.

Jack had never believed his father didn't love his mother, in fact, he'd always known that he did. It was Jack, himself, that his father could not stand. "May I see her?"

At Jonathan's negative shake of his head, Jack felt a flash of irritation before his father explained, "The doctor is with her now. It will be a few minutes."

"Fine." Although his back ached, Jack stood straight, holding his ground, waiting.

"Why don't you and Dr. Jackson sit down?" Jonathan waved his hand toward a burgundy leather sofa across from his desk.

Daniel looked at Jack before he moved to the sofa, and sat by his side. The silence stretched, and Jack felt his patience stretched as well.

Jonathan cleared his throat. "What do you do, Dr. Jackson?"

So typical of his father, checking out someone he'd brought home to see if they were good enough. Before Daniel could answer, Jack did. "He works with me."

"I'm an archaeologist," Daniel said, nearly on top of Jack.

"And a linguist," Jack added with sense of pride as if the accomplishment were his rather than Daniel's. Or perhaps he was proud of Daniel, proud to be Daniel's friend.

"What does the Air Force need with an archeologist or a linguist?" Jonathan asked.

"I'm afraid that's classified." Jack knew it was petty, but he was pleased that he could stymie his father.

"Surely I'm not a national threat?" Jonathan wanted to know, possibly only because he was denied.

Even if he could have, Jack had no intention of telling him anything. "Still classified."

"I see." He turned to Daniel. "Which field of study is your PhD in?"

"Both," Daniel said quietly, and Jack could sense his tension and unease at the situation. He'd told Daniel it would be like this, but did he ever listen to Jack?

"Quite an accomplishment for one so young." Jonathan's tone was perfectly pleasant, but Jack heard something else, and had to bite his tongue to not snap back.

"Not as young as that," Daniel said, probably thinking it was a compliment. It would have been, coming from almost anyone else.

Before anyone else could say anything, a quiet knock sounded on the door.

"Come," Jonathan called, and the door opened to reveal a gray-haired older woman, dressed in a stylish blue suit.

"How is she?" His father's demeanor changing from disapproving to worried in a flash.

The doctor shook her head. "Not good. She's weak and in pain. I've increased her dose of morphine, but she won't take anything until she sees her son." The doctor smiled a little. "She's very stubborn."

Jack stood. "I'm Jack O'Neill. I'm her son."

"I'm Doctor Rosenthal." She held out her hand and Jack took it. "Would you like to see her now?"

Not sure he trusted his voice, Jack nodded. He didn't know what to expect or how he was going to react to it.

"I'll stay here." Daniel waved his hand to indicate the room.

"No." Jack shook his head. "Please come with me." He needed Daniel with him, needed his strength, needed his compassion.

Daniel stood and went to him, putting a hand on his arm and looking at him intently. "Are you sure?"

Seeing the concern in the depth's of Daniel's eyes, Jack nodded again and followed the doctor out of the door without a glance at Jonathan. He knew his father was staring after him, disapproving. As much as it would appall Jonathan to hear it, Daniel was family to him, much more so than his father had been for most of Jack's life.

As he went down the long hall, Jack put his hand on the doctor's arm to stop her. "Tell me what to expect."

"It's going to be a shock seeing her. She's lost a lot of weight, as well as her hair. She's in pain." The doctor shrugged. "She's dying and she looks like it."

Jack closed his eyes for a moment and sucked in a deep breath, then nodded. "All right."

The doctor reached into her pocket and pulled out a bottle of meds. "See if you can get her to take these."

"What is it?"

"Percacett for break-through pain. Give her three." The doctor handed him the bottle and then waved him on.

"You're not going to come in with me?" Jack asked the doctor.

"No. I've already examined her and there's really nothing more I can do. Normally, a nurse would come out every day, but your mother is a good friend of mine."

"Thank you," Jack said and she nodded before she walked away.

Outside his mother's bedroom door, Daniel stopped him as Jack started to turn the nob. "Should I wait outside?"

"No. Come in for a minute. I..." he paused, and then pushed himself on, "I want you to meet my mother."

Daniel nodded and followed him in.

Even having been warned, having seen other friends who'd been ravaged by cancer, didn't prepare Jack for the sight of his mother. She was emaciated, bald, her eyes and her teeth seemed too large for her narrow face. The nightgown she wore seemed several sizes too big for her small body. A razor slid through Jack's heart as he stared down at her.

"Mom," he whispered, lifting her limp hand to his mouth to kiss it.

Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled slightly. "Jack? You came."

"Of course. Would have come sooner...." Jack tried to keep the emotion out his tone, but his mother closed her eyes and he knew he'd failed in the effort. "This is my friend, Daniel. I work with him."

She looked up and focused beyond Jack, smiling. "Hello, Daniel. It's good to meet one of Jack's friends."

"Mrs. O'Neill. I've been looking forward to meeting you." Daniel said, smiling, his voice soft. "Jack's talked about you."

She smiled back at Daniel. "Good things I hope."

"Of course." Daniel turned to him, and put a hand on his arm. "I'm going to wait outside and let you visit with your mom. Okay?"

Jack nodded, putting his hand over Daniel's for a minute, drawing strength from him as he always did. "Thanks."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jack asked when Daniel had closed the door behind him. "I would have come."

"We didn't want to bother you. You're so busy." Her voice was soft with weakness and pain, but her eyes were surprisingly clear.

Trying to control his temper, Jack looked away and then back. "My father didn't want me here."

"Jack, please...." She started to cough, bending forward, gasping for breath.

Jack looked to the nurse sitting next to the bed, who just shook her head. "Mom...." He wanted to ask if she was okay, but he couldn't get the words out. She wasn't, and wouldn't be ever again.

After several moments of breathing hard, his mother looked up at him again. "I wish... things had been different."

"Yeah. I know. Me, too." There was nothing in the world that would heal what was wrong between his father and himself. Even if there were, Jack wasn't sure he wanted to let it go.

"Promise me...." she gasped, and had to wait a minute before she could continue. "I want you to talk to him."

He would promise her anything, but whether it actually happened or not, was another story. "Yes. I promise."

"I've made your father promise, too."

Jack was sure his father felt the same way he did. Reconciliation was out of the question. There was too much space and time and pain between them to ever make it right. All they could hope for was to get through the next few days or weeks being civil to each other, and then part without bloodshed.

"You need to take your pills now, mom." He held out the pills the doctor had given him. "They'll help."

"Would you mash them for me?" She nodded to a pill crusher on the bedside table.

Jack did as he was asked, and mixed the pills with apple sauce. "Stay with me until I fall asleep?"

Jack nodded, not able to speak around the lump that had invaded his throat. Lowering himself into the chair by her bedside, he sat with her for the 20 minutes it took for the meds to take effect and for her to fall into a drugged sleep.

When her breathing had evened out, he stood, and bent to kiss her cheek. "I'll be back later," he whispered, nodding to the nurse as he went out.

"Are you okay?" Daniel asked as he rose from a wooden bench outside the door. Putting his hand on Jack's shoulder in a familiar gesture, he squeezed a little.

Jack nodded, unbearably grateful for the contact, and Daniel's generosity. "Yeah, sure, you betcha."

Daniel's arm moved around his shoulder and gave him a one-armed hug, offering quiet solace.

Unable to stop himself, Jack turned into it, closing his eyes, and leaning on Daniel for a moment. Just to catch his breath, he told himself, just to borrow a little strength. Even when it was well past the point where he should have pulled back, Daniel continued to hold him, and Jack let him.

Only because he had to, the embrace having gone on far longer than was acceptable even to him, Jack took a deep breath, and stepped back. "Thanks."

Daniel just gave him a little smile and squeezed his arm. "Okay?"

"Yeah. Better get back and see my father." Jack was not looking forward to that interview.

"Do you want me there?"

Jack knew that Daniel would endure the embarrassment of hearing his best friend reamed out by his father, if he thought Jack needed the support, but he didn't.

"No. That's okay. Why don't you have a look around? There might be some interesting books in the library down the hall." Jack pointed toward a door.

Nodding, Daniel wandered off in the direction Jack had said.

Jack knocked once on the door, and pushed it open before he'd heard anything, walking in with his shoulders squared, even if it hurt like hell to maintain it.

Jonathan looked up from the desk. "How is she?"

"Asleep." Jack stood at attention, his eyes focused on the far wall. "I'm going to return tomorrow and spend some more time with her." Jack hesitated and it galled him to have to ask it, but he did, anyway. "If that's all right with you?"

"Yes. That's fine. I know she wants to see you." His tone said he had no idea why this would be so, but that he'd abide by his wife's wishes. "Please sit down."

Jack sat stiffly, his back straight, feet planted on the floor, hands clenched in his lap. "How long?"

"They don't know. But not long. A week. Less. She's not eating anymore." There was a catch in his father's voice that made Jack look at his father, but his face was closed and the impulse to reach out was gone quickly.

"Who is the man you brought with you?" The change in his father's voice was amazing. The grieving husband was now the disapproving father.

"I told you," Jack said coldly, eyes forward again. He tried to keep his breathing even. "I work with him."

"On top secret assignments." There was a certain amount of scorn in Jonathan's tone, but almost by rote, as if he had to work at it.

"That's right. I'd tell you, but then I'd have to shoot you." Jack smiled to show he was joking, but he knew it wasn't going to reach his eyes.

"I see. It does seem a bit odd that you'd bring someone who was just a co-worker to visit your parents, especially at a time like this," Jonathan said, a question lurking behind the bland words.

There was something about the way he said it that triggered Jack's annoyance response. "How would I know who to bring with me to visit my parents, since I haven't done it in thirty years? I'm sure times have changed."

"Yes. They have indeed." Jonathan's eyes caught and held his. "You should have brought your wife."

Jack didn't get the point of this, except to annoy him, which it did. "Ex-wife."

"Another stupid mistake you made, letting her go. Why?" Jonathan's tone became more acerbic. As if he knew it was all Jack's fault. That he was right did not help matters, either.

"She left me." He hadn't realized his father even liked Sara, and he didn't want to get into this, not now, not with his father, not at all.

"And you let her go? For what or whom?"

He was just going to let the second part of that pass. "Like I had a choice in the matter. It was Sara's decision."

Jonathan snorted. "There are always choices."

"Oh, very deep. I didn't realize what a philosopher you'd become in your old age." Jack's jaw clenched and he ground his teeth. "Was there anything else, now that you've insulted both me and my best friend?"

Another snort, this one louder. "Best friend? What could you two possibly have in common?"

Jack stood and glared at his father. "I'm not fifteen any more. I'm not going to stand here and justify my friendship with Daniel to you or to anyone else."

"You aren't any more discriminating now than you were then."

"Good God." Jack laughed bitterly. "You have no idea. Daniel has two PhDs, speaks more than two dozen languages, and is one of the top scholars in the world." Jack would have liked to have added on several worlds, but managed to restrain himself in time. "He's pulled my bacon out of the fire more times than I can count. It's me who isn't good enough for him, not the other way around."

Jack turned smartly on his heel and marched out.

When his pulse slowed, Jack called a taxi and went in search of Daniel. He found him in the library. It always seemed odd to him that his parents had separate rooms for their books. It was more than possible they needed a place to escape from each other. These were his mother's collection. Daniel looked up and smiled at him as he came in.

"Hey," Daniel said, putting a book back on the shelf and then laying his hand on Jack's shoulder gently. "You okay?"

After his performance before, Jack denied himself the luxury of leaning into Daniel's touch. "Yeah. Fine. Why?"

To Jack's regret, Daniel pulled back, letting his hand fall to his side. "You look a little flushed."

Jack shook his head. "Not here."

Daniel nodded. "Sure."

* * *

"Daniel," Jack said, about half an hour after they arrived back at the hotel, and heading for the door. He needed to do move, walk, something. "I need to go out for a while. Take a walk."

"Do you want me to go with you?" Daniel put his book down and stood, ready to help in any way.

As much as he appreciated the gesture, Jack didn't want that now. Later, maybe. "No. Please. I think I'd rather be alone."

 

"Sure." Daniel looked deflated and sat back down. "I'll be here when you get back. If you want to talk."

Jack nodded his thanks and left.

For a long time, he just walked, letting the sights of the city wash by him without noticing, paying only the barest attention to where he was going. Ending up at the lake, he watched the water for a while, the afternoon sun sparkling on the blue-green waves.

Jack didn't want to think about anything, but the conversation with his father came back to him. That his father dared imply that his relationship with Daniel was somehow unsavory infuriated Jack. It also occurred to him that his father might have thought he and Daniel were lovers.

Of course, that idea was ludicrous. Him and Daniel? Never happen. They'd kill each other in a week, less. He'd have to mention it to Daniel when he got back, give him a laugh, too.

He knew he was avoiding thinking about his mother and all of the unresolved feelings he had for her. Seeing her like this was harder than he'd imagined anything could be.

Hammond had said he could take as much time as he needed, and it might take a while. However. that didn't mean that Daniel had to stay with him through it all. In another day or two, he'd suggest that Daniel return to Colorado. Then, he'd order Daniel to do it. After the third or fourth time, he was sure he could convince Daniel to go back.

The sun started to set, and Jack turned back toward the hotel. Wearily, he pushed the door open and was pleased to see Daniel look up and smile at him.

"Hey," Jack said, returning the smile.

"Hey yourself. Uh... how was the walk?" Daniel put down his book and stood, stretching his arms over his head.

Jack noticed idly how firm Daniel's stomach muscles were as his shirt rode up, and how golden-brown his skin was, and how smooth it looked. It took a second for Jack to realize he was staring, then he averted his eyes, hoping Daniel hadn't noticed. "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah. Want to do the restaurant, or go out?" Daniel asked, pink staining his cheeks as he pulled his shirt down.

"Didn't I see some menus for take-out that deliver?" Jack didn't feel like going out again, all he wanted to do was eat and go to sleep.

"Yeah." Daniel went to the desk and opened the drawer, pulling out a couple of cards. "Looks like we've got a huge selection of Chinese and pizza."

"Pizza," Jack said distractedly. "And see if they'll deliver a six pack."

"If they won't, I'm sure we can get it from room service." Daniel picked up the phone and ordered. "Half an hour."

"Great. I'm going to take a shower." Jack headed for the bathroom. He didn't want to talk and Daniel had that 'I'm being a good friend and going to listen' look on his face.

* * *

The following morning Daniel and Jack went back to Jack's parents' house. Jack had said that Daniel didn't need to come with, but Daniel wasn't going to let him go through this by himself. He had a library to explore, and he'd be fine.

After about an hour in the room, Daniel was distracted by someone clearing his throat and he looked up to find Jack's father watching him. "I'm sorry, I didn't see you."

"Clearly not." There wasn't anything unpleasant in his tone, but it grated on Daniel's nerves just the same.

"You know, some of these books should really be in a controlled environment," Daniel said, putting the volume back carefully on the shelf.

"Why is that?"

"The pages are starting to deteriorate from the moisture in the air." Daniel hated to see books abused, but from the lack of interest in Jonathan's eyes, he could see he would not get very far with his arguments.

"Where did you do your graduate work, Dr. Jackson?" The question, while asked in the most casual of tones, seemed too important to Jonathan.

Daniel blinked and thought about not responding or telling the guy it wasn't any of his business, but this was someone he'd rather not be rude to if he could avoid it. "I did my undergrad at UCLA. My first PhD is from Orient Institute here in Chicago, and then Oxford and Harvard. What possible difference could it make to you?"

"I'd like to know what kind of person my son is involved with." Again something about the tone surprised Daniel and he couldn't put his finger on just what it was.

"Um, you do realize that where I received my degrees won't tell you anything about me." Daniel crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the man, trying to figure out where this was really going.

"They are certainly more impressive than your academic career. Is that why you had to join the Air Force?" Jonathan tried to stare him down, intimating that somehow being in the Air Force was a step down for an academic.

As much as Daniel would have liked to be polite -- this was Jack's father after all -- he wasn't about to take anything from him. Standing his ground with his shoulders squared, Daniel glared right back at Jonathan. He'd helped save Earth, more than once, and as far as he was concerned, that was a pretty damned impressive accomplishment for anyone, academic or not. "I'm civilian civil service, and I'm quite proud of my work."

"You're not easily intimidated, are you?" There was actually a gleam of approval in Jonathan's eyes.

Daniel had to laugh at that. After facing down system lords and angry Jaffa, this guy was cake. "Not this week. Um, you had a point?"

"I suspect you're not going to do my son's career any good, no matter how smart you are." While Jonathan's expression was icy, there wasn't the satisfaction in it that Daniel would have expected, nor was there the sound of a threat.

That didn't mean there wasn't one. Daniel stood straighter and met those cold eyes. "What exactly are you implying?"

"What is there to imply?" This time, he made it sound tawdry.

Daniel shook his head in disbelief. "This conversation is over." He turned around to walk away.

"Not quite yet."

Turning back, Daniel pinned him to the wall with a cold look. "Oh, but it is. You don't want to mess with me, Mr. O'Neill. I promise you that. If you try to hurt Jack any more than he's already hurt...." Daniel let the threat dangle.

Jonathan's eyes widened and then he smiled just as coldly. "Are you threatening me, Dr. Jackson?"

Inclining his head, Daniel continued to hold his eyes. "Certainly not." Better believe it, old man. Hurt Jack and you're toast. "I think it's time I found Jack."

Nodding, Jack's father did not meet his eyes. Daniel could not help feeling he'd been tested in some way and wondered if he'd been found wanting.

* * *

Daniel found Jack coming out of his mother's room. "How is she?" Daniel asked, putting a hand on Jack's arm. He didn't normally reach out as much as Jack did, but he suspected that Jack needed it, so he made a conscious effort.

"Sleeping." Jack took a breath and shook his head sadly. "Not too good."

"I'm sorry." Daniel moved his hand up Jack's arm to his shoulder, and pressed, letting Jack turn into him if he wanted.

He did. "Thanks," Jack murmured against his shoulder, holding on.

Jack was trembling slightly as he fought to control his emotions. Wishing there was something he could do or say, Daniel held him.

"Let's get out of here for a couple of hours," Jack said, stepping back. "I want to rent a car. Taking cabs everywhere is already a pain."

Daniel nodded, and pulled out his cell to call one to come and get them. "Sure."

They got lunch in a strip mall near the car rental place, eating greasy fried chicken. Daniel was sure all that fat wasn't going to do either of them any good, no matter how much Jack was enjoying it now.

"You want to talk about it?" Daniel asked, pushing his plate away.

"No," Jack said without even looking up from shoveling mashed potatoes and gravy into his mouth.

"Jack --"

"I said no." Jack sighed, dropping his plastic fork onto his paper plate. "What do you want to know?"

"Well, how did things get so bad with your father?"

Jack's eyes took on a distant look. "They were always bad. At first, he was never around, and when he was, it seemed he had no interest in me. I'm not sure why, and my mother could never tell me. Not that I asked."

"Of course not. Go on." Daniel suspected one thing piled on top of another for years until it all decayed, and there was nothing left but bad memories.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Jack shook his head. "Things really got bad after I was twelve or so."

"Twelve?" Daniel could not imagine what a child that young could have done to make his father treat him so badly.

Seeming to read his thoughts, Jack laughed. "Oh, make no mistake, I was a hellion. No one could control me, and I couldn't control myself. I was about to get thrown out of my third Catholic school." Jack grinned sheepishly. "There was this priest, Father Sullivan. He was the principal of St. Michael's and had already tried beating me into submission --"

"Which didn't work," Daniel guessed, his heart breaking for a little boy looking for attention and not getting it.

"Which didn't work," Jack agreed. "So, he came up with another plan to save my soul. After the big conference with my parents to discuss whatever I'd done -- and I don't even remember what it was now -- he sent my parents out of his office, and put a picture of an F-4 Phantom in front of me. Somehow he knew I liked planes. This was the coolest plane imaginable: could do mach 2.4, had a range of 1500 miles, the main weapon was a M61 20mm multi-barreled Vulcan gun which could deliver 6,000 rounds per minute." Jack paused and looked over at him, a half-smile on his face. "Sorry."

Smiling at Jack's enthusiasm, Daniel motioned for him to go on.

"He said that I basically had two choices. One was to get thrown out again, and this time I'd end up in reform school. Or if I wanted to, I might be able to fly one of those jets someday." Jack's voice took on a cadence of a sweet memory. "He said that if I worked hard, and got good grades and generally was a good boy, I could maybe get into the Air Force academy and maybe get to fly a Phantom." Jack looked up. "I'll never know why I believed him, but I did. I wanted to fly jets. Badly. It was the only thing I wanted at that point."

Aside from Jonathan's attention, Daniel added to himself. "So you changed your ways?"

"Yeah. I somehow found the discipline to study. Father Sullivan sort of took me under his wing and mentored me. Showed me where the line was. How to be a smart-ass and get away with it." Jack grinned widely at that. "Damn, I loved that man. By the time I graduated high school, I would have done anything for him."

"And you got in, but didn't get to fly?" Daniel guessed, thinking how sad that was, to have put all that work into it and still not achieve the goal.

"Actually I did get to fly. Made top gun in fact," Jack said with no small amount of pride.

"But you don't wear wings." He'd never seen them on Jack's uniform and knew that Jack couldn't fly without them.

"Lost 'em too."

"Uh... how?" Daniel didn't know you could get them and then lose them. That didn't make any sense.

"I'm not qualified to fly anymore, not for the Air force, anyway. I have a private pilot's license, but that's not the same." Jack shook his head. "My eye sight isn't as good as it was. I got knocked on the head one too many times."

"Iraq?"

Jack nodded and shrugged carelessly. "Yeah, one more souvenir from that lovely vacation spot."

Not fooled at all, Daniel knew he'd probably never fully understand what it had been like for Jack. Reaching across the table, he put his hand over Jack's and squeezed in sympathy. "I'm sorry."

"Wasn't your fault. Or mine for that matter. Just one of the breaks, you know." Jack's eyes didn't reflect his words.

Daniel could tell that this was not the time to discuss this. "What happened to Father Sullivan?"

"Don't know. After I graduated, I wrote to him, but over the years, I've lost touch with him. I never came back here." There was a world of regret in Jack's tone, and Daniel wondered if there was anything in Jack's past they could talk about that wasn't a minefield.

"Have you thought about seeing him while you're here?" Daniel suggested, noting the interest on Jack's face.

Jack shook his head, the look fading. "He's probably long dead."

"Or not. He'd probably get a kick out of seeing you in uniform."

"If he even remembered me. It's been at least fifteen years since I've heard from him." There was a resigned finality to Jack's tone.

Daniel nodded with understanding. "What happened with your father?"

"Resented the hell out of the fact that I pulled myself together. When I got in, I was only seventeen. I had to have a parent's signature. Bastard refused to sign my admissions form."

"He was a bastard." Daniel clenched his fist, wanting to defend Jack. How could anyone do that to their son?

"Still is. My mother signed. That was that. I walked out and promised myself I wouldn't come back."

"I'm sorry you had to." Daniel put his hand over Jack's again.

Jack smiled and turned his hand up, interlocking their fingers for a second before letting go. "Yeah. Let's get back. I'm going to read to my mom again this afternoon. Listen, why don't you plan on going back tomorrow? No sense in you having to stay here too."

"No."

"Daniel --"

"Jack, no. I'm not going back without you. Period." He glared at Jack and when he opened his mouth to argue, Daniel held up a finger. "Ah!"

They both laughed at that and Jack held his eyes for a second. "Thanks."

"You betcha."

* * *

"Jack." His mother's voice was weak and slurred with the drugs she'd been taking. She seemed to be fighting to find her words.

"Mom? What can I get you?" Jack put the book on the table and leaned toward the bed. "What do you need?"

"Want you to...." Mary trailed off and took a breath that came out as a moan. "Talk to your father."

"Sure mom, whatever you want." Jack would agree to anything she asked, anything that might give her some peace. He might try to do it, too.

"Promise me."

"I will. I promise. I'll talk to him."

"Thanks." Mary closed her eyes and seemed to concentrate on breathing in and out. "Thirsty."

Jack took a spoonful of crushed ice and put it into her mouth. She nodded her thanks. "Should I keep reading?"

"Please."

Jack read for another hour before the nurse came in to give his mother more medication. Leaving then, Jack went in search of Daniel.

He didn't feel like talking and Daniel seemed to understand and respect it during the drive from his parents' house to the hotel.

"What would you like to do for dinner?" Daniel asked as they came through the door of their room.

Jack shrugged. "Not really hungry yet. You?"

"Actually, yeah, pretty much. You should be too. It's past seven and lunch was at noon." Daniel pointed to his watch.

Falling into the sofa, Jack looked at him and shook his head. "I don't care what time it is, I'm not hungry."

"Okay. Mind if I eat something?" Daniel asked, moving across the room towards the desk where they had stacked the menus.

"What?" Jack couldn't bear the thought of food, conversation or anything else, especially right now.

"Probably order Chinese or something?" He held up a menu.

"Didn't we have that last night?"

"I thought you weren't eating."

"Well, I might get hungry."

"Do you want me to order you something or go out and get you something?" Daniel sighed and started to sound like he was losing his patience.

Not that Jack blamed him in the least. He knew he wasn't easy to deal with under the best of circumstances, and this was pretty far from that. "Just get me something. I'm going to take a shower."

"Sure," Daniel said, picking up the phone.

* * *

As the hot water pounded down on his back, Jack tried to shake off the tension of the day. It had only been two days, but he could see the deterioration in his mother almost hour by hour as he sat with her.

He wanted to say something, to try and resolve what lay between them and he could see that there would never be a time. All he could do now was be with her, read to her and hope that would be enough.

The smell of warm fragrant food greeted Jack as he came out of the bathroom. He felt a little better, and hungry.

"Thanks," he said to Daniel, sitting down on the sofa next to him. "What did you get me?"

"Hunan Pork," Daniel said, pointing with his chopsticks to a bag sitting on the table in front of the sofa.

"Good man." Putting a hand on Daniel's shoulder as he passed, Jack squeezed his thanks. Daniel took good care of him.

"I know you."

"That you do." Jack chowed down on his food, mixing rice into it after he'd eaten some of it.

Sitting back on the sofa after dinner, Jack sighed in pleasure. He'd have to do something special for Daniel when he got back, maybe take him out somewhere nice.

"Do you know what my father implied when I was talking to him the other day?" Jack asked conspiratorially, hoping Daniel would find it as funny as he did.

"What? I'm afraid to ask." Daniel smiled, ready to share the joke.

"That we were lovers." Jack laughed and looked at Daniel. Who was not laughing. Oh, fuck. "You don't think that's funny?"

"Uh... not really. He said the same thing to me and it concerns me." Daniel looked down and then back at Jack. His heart was in his eyes for one second; then he blinked, and it was gone.

Jack had every intention of completely ignoring what he'd just seen. "Why does it bother you?"

"What if he said it to someone else? Even retired, he's fairly highly placed, probably has all kinds of political connections. He could cause trouble for you, us, possibly even the SGC."

"But it's not true."

Daniel met his eyes. "It could be."

Jack could feel a blush creep across his cheeks. "No. I don't think so. Not unless you're going to tell me something I don't know."

Closing his eyes, Daniel shook his head. "No, of course I'm not. But you know what I mean."

Jack shook his head, his stomach sinking into his shoes. "No, I don't."

"Jack." Daniel sighed. "What I mean is that most men are not as close as we are. Don't you hear the rumors about us? It's not as if they're a secret."

Not that anyone would say anything outright to him, but Jack had heard a stray comment or two. "I just ignore them. They aren't true, so what can it matter?"

"It does matter, Jack. You have to know it does." Shaking his head, Daniel sounded frustrated, like he always did when he thought Jack was being deliberately dense.

He could not help that right now. "How?"

"Trust me, it does." There was that look in Daniel's eyes; that soft, indulgent, affectionate look. The look that Jack had studiously avoided noticing. The look confirming something Jack did not want to know.

The room was suddenly too warm. He had to get out. With his heart pounding double-time in his throat, Jack pulled on his shoes and stood. "I need to take a walk."

"No. Wait a second." Daniel stood and held out his hand. "Jack--"

"No. Daniel. I need to be alone right now." He'd hit critical mass, the end of the line; he had to get out or his head would explode.

"Jack, um.... It's not what you think."

He knew Daniel well enough to know when he was lying. "I don't think anything. I swear to you. I don't."

Because he couldn't. Too much was happening for this to be happening, too. A little bit of space, and he'd have time to think without Daniel standing over him worrying.

"Don't go." Daniel's eyes were huge, worried, afraid. At any other time in his life, Jack would have been able to respond, but he literally had nothing left to give.

He caught Daniel's eyes and held them. "I'll be back. Promise." He had to go, had to get out before he said or did something that would damage Daniel or himself.

As Jack closed the door, he heard Daniel sigh and collapse back onto the couch.

* * *

Jack wound up out by the lake again, looking out at the dark waves, watching them roll into the shore. Part of him could not deal with the idea that Daniel felt that way about him. And part of him said it wasn't as if he hadn't known how Daniel felt for a long time. And another part of him knew what his own feelings were and denied that, too.

There were too many parts, and they didn't add up right.

Wouldn't he do anything, even die, for Daniel? Didn't that include just about everything else too?

He loved Daniel. It looked liked he loved him on a lot of levels he'd never admitted before, but Jack had always known he loved him. Always, from the very first.

So what was the problem here?

Sex?

Jack tried to imagine all the permutations of two guys together. Surprisingly, he could come up with a number of scenarios, all of which featured Daniel doing things to him. Some of which seemed pretty pleasurable. His breath caught, and his dick got hard, and that pretty much answered that question.

There were other questions he should think about, he knew that. But....

God, he was thinking about this too hard and his head was starting to ache.

Okay, he could deal with this.

Fuck.

It started to drizzle. He glared at the sky reproachfully; the crowning touch to a dreadful day. The one thing that had made the last few days easier to bear was Daniel. Wasn't that the saving grace here?

Jack sighed and tried to clear his mind of the complicated stuff, enough time for that later. Right now, he knew he'd hurt Daniel by leaving so abruptly and he had to put that right.

Jack turned back towards the hotel.

The door between the bedroom and the living room was closed.

"Daniel?" Jack said into the darkness of the bedroom. By the light from the open door, Jack could see him facing away on the far bed.

"What?" Daniel asked, sounding more awake than asleep and not at all pleased about the interruption.

"I'm back." Jack knew that sounded lame, but he wanted to talk about it. At least, he thought he did, if Daniel would give him an opening.

"I heard you come in." The tone had an edge that said Daniel was getting annoyed. Or more likely that he was still annoyed. Not that Jack could blame him.

"Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be? I'm just tired. I was asleep."

Jack heard him prevaricate on all counts. "Because you're upset."

"How would you know that?" Daniel rolled over and looked as if he were peering at Jack, but since he wasn't wearing his glasses, he probably couldn't see much.

"I can hear it in your voice, for one thing." Did Daniel really think Jack didn't know him well enough to hear what he wasn't saying?

"You're wrong," Daniel insisted, but his tone lacked conviction.

Jack shook his head. Daniel was so damned stubborn sometimes; it drove Jack nuts. "Am I? I don't think so."

"You never think so."

Going into the room, he sat down on the bed, putting a hand on Daniel's arm. "Why don't we talk about it?"

Daniel drew his arm away from Jack's hand and pulled the covers up. "I don't want to talk about anything right now. Tomorrow is soon enough."

"Daniel."

With a huge sigh, Daniel turned over onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. "Jack. Really. I don't know what you think, but I'm sure it's worse than the reality."

"That being?" Jack asked, pushing again. They needed to have this out, get it into the open. For whatever reason, he wanted, no, he needed to hear Daniel say it was true.

"Nothing. I swear it."

"You're not in love with me?" That turned out to be harder to ask than Jack would have thought. He felt a flush spread across his cheeks and was momentarily grateful that Daniel wasn't looking at him.

Daniel snorted rudely, but said nothing, still not bothering to look at him.

"You're not jumping to deny this," Jack pointed out with a trace of amusement.

"Uh, why are you pushing? What do you want to hear?" Jack heard the uncertainty and the slightest amount of hope.

"The truth." In this case, he more than wanted it, he needed it, needed the absolute confirmation that his feelings were returned.

"Fuck you," Daniel growled, sounding both amused and irritated.

"Well, actually, I think you might want to do me." Jack tried to say it lightly, as if it were a joke, but it didn't quite come out that way.

Daniel sat up and put on the light, squinting at him through the soft glow of the bedside lamp. "Where did you get that idea?"

"You mean you don't want to?" Dealing with the whole guy on guy thing was nerve wracking, but once he was sure of Daniel's feelings, he knew the rest probably wouldn't seem as scary.

"Um... I didn't say that."

"So you do?"

"I didn't say that either. I haven't said anything. You're the one saying things. Things, I might add, that you know nothing about and don't understand."

"Well, you're right about the not understanding. I don't. Any of this. That doesn't mean...." Jack trailed off, finding it hard to express what he wanted to say without it coming out wrong. Which it probably would anyway. But he could trust Daniel to understand. "That doesn't mean...."

"Doesn't mean what?" Daniel prompted, his eyebrow rising and then sinking again.

"That I don't care about you. A lot." What he felt for Daniel was too complicated and too intense and too massive to begin to put into words. All he could do was feel it, and want Daniel to feel it too.

"I never doubted that." It didn't sound like Daniel understood what he was trying to tell him.

"Good. Because I do."

"Okay. I can go back to sleep now?" Daniel asked, with a frustrated sigh.

Jack wasn't ready to let this go yet. "There is more here that we aren't talking about."

"I'm tired." A distinct whine had slipped into Daniel's tone.

Jack conceded that Daniel had reason to be tired -- after the last few days he was tired too -- but this was happening now. "You still haven't denied that you're in love with me."

"I'm not going to deny or confirm anything right now. Go to sleep or go into the other room. Do something."

Jack reached out a hand and ran it along Daniel's stubbly cheek. "What would you like me to do?"

Something gleamed in Daniel's eyes for one second, something dirty and sexy and raw. "Go to bed?"

Smiling, Jack stroked his fingers gently along Daniel's cheek again. "That is an option, but only if you choose door number one."

"What's behind door number two?" Daniel asked, sounding a little breathless as he leaned into the touch, and then pulled back.

"A broken-down colonel, yours for the taking," Jack offered as casually as he could given his heart was pounding in his throat and it made it difficult to speak normally.

Daniel's face turned red and he looked down at the sheet, asking softly, "And door number three."

"You're not supposed to ask that." Especially since Jack didn't have a quick response. His brain seemed to have stopped with the second option, and the possibility of Daniel not accepting it.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't realize there were rules to this." Daniel chuckled.

When Daniel was silent for too long, Jack impatience got the better of him. "Well? Which door?"

"You." Daniel leaned forward and kissed him softly, a wisp of pressure against his mouth and then it was gone. "But not now."

"What?" Jack leaned forward to take another kiss, but Daniel leaned away. "Now is good. Why not now?"

Putting a hand on Jack's chest, he pushed gently. "I'm serious. You're not in any kind of shape to make a decision of this magnitude. Do you even know what you just offered me?"

Taking a deep breath, Jack let it out before he answered. "If I'm not very much mistaken, I just offered you my ass."

"Actually, while it's a fine ass and I like it very much--" Daniel's hand stroked down his side in a quick caress, but was gone before Jack could respond. "--I was hoping for the rest of you as well."

"I think that can be arranged." More easily than Daniel seemed to realize. He grinned.

"Good. I'll take it all. But not now. It's been a rough couple of days."

"You got that right." Jack laughed a little nervously. "Why do you get to make these decisions, aren't I the one in charge?"

"For now, let's pretend I'm in charge. Later, I'll take it under consideration." Daniel smiled stubbornly. Jack knew that look too well.

Annoyed that Daniel was making the decision for both of them, Jack frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm not leaving this bed."

"Fine. Get out of those wet clothes, and go to sleep."

"Daniel --"

"No. Jack, I'm serious. I don't want you to do something you'll regret later. I couldn't deal with that."

"So, you won't let me do anything at all?" He didn't even know why he was arguing. Despite being up for it, he was too tired and too stressed out to truly do justice to anything they attempt right now.

"Later. It's waited this long. It will wait for a while longer."

"So how long is this long?" Jack was almost afraid to play it out in his mind, to trace back how long he'd known.

Daniel shook his head and laid down in a huff, pulling up the covers. "I told you I'm not going to talk about this any more. Not tonight. Sleep here or in your bed or on the couch."

"Some comfort you are," Jack growled, but lost some of the effect as he yawned hugely.

"You'll thank me for this in the morning."

"I hate it when you're noble."

"You hate it more when I'm right."

That was not always true, Jack thought. But in this case, Daniel might have a point. But... "I can stay here tonight?"

Daniel sighed. "Yes. But let's get you out of those wet clothes."

Stripping out of his damp jeans and shirt, Jack climbed back into bed with Daniel, snuggling up against his warmth.

"You're cold," Daniel complained, but pressed back against him anyway. "Now go to sleep."

Obeying for a change, Jack closed his eyes and let the tension seep out of him.

* * *

Warmth. Daniel's first sensation when he drifted toward consciousness was warmth and then safety. Then the feeling of hard penis pressed against his ass. With considerable restraint, Daniel forced himself not to move into it, in fact, he moved away, or tried to. Jack's arms banded his chest, and held him fast.

A big, warm hand started to move in lazy circles on his belly. For all of his noble aspirations, he had no doubt that if that big, warm hand moved any lower, he'd be begging for it. Good intentions only lasted so long against lust, especially lust like this, that he'd harbored for a long, long time.

"Mmm..." Jack murmured sleepily in his ear, hand traveling downward. "What do we have here?"

"You're sure this is a good idea?" Daniel's voice rose and fell with the movements of Jack's hand.

"Nope. But I want to anyway." Jack's hand grasped him gently, stroking through the fabric of his underwear, heightening the sensations.

Closing his eyes, Daniel gave in. He couldn't fight something he'd wanted as badly as he wanted Jack. "Okay."

"Don't sound so eager." Jack moved his hand away.

"Put it back," Daniel demanded. "Did I say you could move it?"

Jack chuckled, putting his hand back, just covering his penis, not moving at all.

Waiting a second to see what Jack would do, Daniel was getting pretty put out that Jack didn't seem inclined to do anything. "You gonna move your hand?"

"You said to put it back, but you didn't say anything about moving it."

"Saying it now," Daniel grumbled, trying not to laugh at the absurdity of the whole exchange.

Jack did laugh, and started stroking him slowly. "Are we going to do this?" The nervousness in Jack's voice gave Daniel pause, and helped clear his head.

"Only if you want to." He wanted Jack, had wanted him forever, but this needed to be Jack's choice, had to be what Jack wanted, or it was what neither of them wanted.

Nudging his hips forward a little more, Jack laughed. "I think I want to. Don't you?"

"Oh yeah," Daniel breathed. He wanted it. "Be sure. No regrets afterward."

"No. No regrets." Jack kissed the back of his neck, and Daniel shuddered, then turned around.

"Jack." Daniel kissed him slowly, slipping his tongue into Jack's mouth, tasting him. Jack groaned, his arms tightened, his mouth pressed in and his tongue dueled with Daniel's. Sensation and happiness raced through Daniel, his heart pounding with sheer joy of kissing this man.

With his hand continuing to stroke Daniel, Jack moved the other one onto Daniel's butt, squeezing lightly. "Nice."

Daniel rolled on top of Jack. "Okay?"

Looking a little nervous, but nonetheless eager, Jack nodded. "You know...."

"Yeah. I know." Daniel leaned down to kiss him again. "It's okay."

"Not you, right?"

"Right." He had enough for both of them. "Trust me."

"Beyond words."

Leaning down, he kissed Jack again, lying on top of him and rubbing his body against him. Jack moved, pressing up, undulating under him as they kissed slowly.

"Clothes?" Jack asked, shimmying out of his boxers.

Following suit, Daniel stripped off his briefs and t-shirt, then let his hands move over Jack's body. It was too much to take in at once. He tried to concentrate on each separate sensation, each part he was touching, feeling the hard planes and soft skin, the scratchiness of Jack's body hair. The long legs, and strong arms. Jack was a delight of sensual pleasures and Daniel wanted to dive down in each and every one, and never come out again.

Starting with a kiss, long and deep and lush, Daniel moved his mouth slowly over Jack's. Damn, he already loved to kiss Jack. A slow and detailed exploration was called for to be sure. He could tell already that even spending the rest of his life researching it, would probably not be long enough for him to properly investigate all the aspects of kissing Jack.

Daniel moved his mouth down Jack's chest, nuzzling the hair, gently raking his teeth over his nipples, listening to each sound Jack made. Savoring each taste of skin, giving it the adoration it deserved, he kissed and nipped along Jack's belly, sticking his tongue into Jack's belly button.

Jack laughed, and then groaned as Daniel moved lower. By the time he closed his mouth over Jack's hardness, Daniel was sure that he'd done his best to make Jack incoherent with pleasure. Judging by the scream Jack let out as he came, Daniel was fairly confident that he'd done well.

When Jack recovered, he pulled Daniel into his arms and nuzzled his neck. "Mmm."

Daniel kissed Jack again, trying not to seem too desperate for attention, but his penis had other plans, pushing against Jack's hip.

Jack's hand reached down to investigate. "So, what's this?"

"Same thing as before, only more so."

"I guess so," Jack said as he rolled Daniel onto his back, and started to make his way down to examine his find.

What Jack might have lacked in actual skill, he made up for with enthusiasm and an absence of inhibition that surprised the hell out of Daniel. Pretty incredible to have a so recently straight man sucking him off. He tried to let Jack know he was going to come. Intent on what he was doing, Jack ignored him until it was too late. When Jack did realize what was happening, he pulled back, ending up with semen dripping off his chin.

If he'd been in any condition to do so, Daniel would have laughed, but the truth was, he felt too good to do anything other than lie there and luxuriate in the afterglow.

He must have dozed off, because when he woke up, he was alone.

Blinking, Daniel sat up and looked round. After a second, he realized he was alone in the suite.

Jack was gone.

What an idiot he was. He should have known it was a mistake to make love with Jack, should have been stronger, should have said no instead of letting his hormones get away from him.

Fuck.

He pushed himself out of bed and stumbled for the shower, cursing himself. God, what an idiot he was.

Jack was straight. But this was not a new concept to Daniel. He'd known it for all the time he'd known Jack.

Back in the bedroom, he saw a note on Jack's bed, but couldn't read from across the room without his glasses. He forced himself to get dressed before he read it, as if having clothes on would make the rejection any easier to bear.

Daniel --

You looked too peaceful to disturb, so I didn't. I went over to sit with my mother. Take a cab over when you wake up. Or not. I'll see you later.

Jack

What had he expected, hearts and flowers? Not from Jack. Daniel sighed.

* * *

When Jack left his mother's room to allow the nurses to bathe her and change her nightgown, he found Daniel waiting for him. He went right into Daniel's arms, holding on and not able to stop shaking. Saying nothing, Daniel held him.

It was getting harder and harder to go in and sit with her without having a reaction. He'd never had to do this before. Yes, he'd had friends die, horribly in some cases, but he'd never watched a disease steal someone away bit by bit. He felt a moment's compassion for his father, who had been watching this process for weeks, maybe months. Close on the heels of that came a flash of anger him that his father hadn't called sooner.

"Are you all right?" Daniel asked, pulling back to look at him.

"Thanks." Jack kissed him quickly before letting go entirely. "Sorry about before. I had to go."

Daniel nodded. "I understand. It's --"

Jack put his finger to Daniel's lips, going into what he was feeling now was not possible. "It's not. I know it's not. It was a shitty thing to do and I'm sorry."

"Jack --"

"No, not now. Let's get out of here for a while."

"For lunch?"

"No, for a while. I'll be back later this afternoon or tonight. She's got a couple of friends coming over today."

Jack didn't know why he had been so surprised by that. He supposed he thought they would all drift away as she got sicker. If he'd never do that to a friend, why would he assume that someone else would do it to his mother?

They picked up a pizza on the way back to the hotel and settled back into the suite to eat it.

"I'm sorry about bailing this morning," Jack said, shoving the last of a slice into his mouth and chewing enthusiastically.

"I said it was okay."

"It's not, though. I guess you know...." Jack tried to look sheepish, but the truth was he'd freaked a little this morning.

When he'd woken up in Daniel's arms, with Daniel's come on his face, he found he wasn't as enlightened as he thought he was. Oh, he knew his feelings were real, no mistake there, but the rest? He needed a little time to come to grips with the fact he'd just had sex... made love, with his best friend. A best friend who was also a man. Not only that, but that he'd enjoyed it immensely and was looking forward to doing it again.

"I do understand, Jack. You're not ready for this." Daniel's tone held complete understanding, but under it, Jack could hear the ache.

"I am," he said, and seeing Daniel's skeptical look, he shook his head. "No really, I am. I... you know... do love you."

Daniel's eyes widened and he nodded. "Me too."

With a deep sigh, Jack looked away. "It just might take me a little longer to get comfortable with this, with the physical end of things, as it were."

"We can go slow."

"See there's the problem. I don't want to go slow. I'd rather deal with the freak out, than not have it at all." Jack looked down, then back at Daniel. The wanting came easily, and Jack wasn't afraid of it. "I liked what we did. I'd like to do some other things, too."

An amused look lit Daniel's face. "Um... so what other things would you like to do?"

"All of them." There wasn't anything that he wouldn't let Daniel do to him and there were any number of things he wanted to do to Daniel. "Last night was just the start."

"I hope so." Abruptly, Daniel's face changed. "But I um... I don't want to wake up alone again."

Jack hung his head. "I know. I've said I was sorry."

Putting two fingers under his chin, Daniel raised Jack's face. "Don't do that again. I'm serious. I didn't like it."

"Yes." Jack leaned over and kissed him in apology. Tasting the pizza in Daniel's mouth was a turn on so he kept right on kissing Daniel, his tongue exploring. Kissing Daniel wasn't like kissing anyone else, yet it was a familiar comfort. Pulling back, he asked, "Bedroom?"

Daniel nodded, standing and pulling Jack up to kiss him again.

* * *

The late afternoon sun warmed the room, and Jack woke sweaty with Daniel wrapped around him. Jack wondered how he had gotten there, and in the same thought why it had taken him so long to see what had been right in front of him.

Daniel stirred, opening his eyes and pressing a kiss to Jack's chest. "Morning."

"Afternoon," Jack corrected, letting his hand settle on Daniel's butt, enjoying the firm muscles.

"What are we doing?" Daniel asked, moving with Jack's caressing hand, pressing into it.

"I need to go back and sit with mom for a while. You don't have to go with me, you know."

"I really don't mind." He sounded like he meant it.

"Aren't you bored to tears?"

"No, actually. Your mother has a fairly impressive collection of medieval and ancient mythology."

"I didn't know she collected it." Or anything else for that matter. Well, since he'd barely seen her in six years, it wasn't surprising.

"Apparently, she taught a class at an adult education center and became fascinated by it. Started to amass a collection. In several languages, too." Daniel smiled happily. "So spending time there is not a problem."

"How did you find out about her teaching the class?" Jack asked, flustered that Daniel knew something about his mother that he didn't.

Daniel shrugged. "She's had several friends going in and out of the house. One of them mentioned it to me." He stretching up, kissing Jack softly. "Do you mind if I come along?"

"I...." Jack trailed off, wondering how to say what he needed without sounding ridiculously sappy, "You know, like...."

"Having me there?" Daniel guessed, and then smiled, his hand roaming along Jack's thigh in a slow caress.

"Yeah."

"Okay. That's a good enough reason to be there, even if there wasn't something to do."

A deep warmth spread through Jack's chest at the words. He grinned, leaning over to kiss Daniel. "Thanks."

The evening passed quietly. Jack read aloud for a while, then just sat, watching his mother's labored breathing.

Closing his eyes, he let his mind drift. He loved Daniel, always had, almost from the first moments they had met when Daniel talked his way onto the first mission to Abydos. There was something so courageous about him that Jack could not help but respond and be impressed. In all the years he'd known Daniel, his feelings had only gotten stronger, deeper.

That he'd never equated that to being in love showed a remarkable lack of insight on his part. Maybe Daniel would have said something. Jack snorted. If he hadn't yet, he might never have. He couldn't decide which of them was sadder, him loving Daniel and not having a clue, or Daniel loving him and keeping silent.

The door opened, shaking him from his thoughts. Jonathan came in. They hadn't spoken much since their first, unpleasant meeting. As much as he knew his father was grieving, he found it hard to be anything more than civil.

"How is she?"

Jack shook his head and looked away.

"Thank you for coming," Jonathan said. A true note of gratitude filtered into the dull words.

"I would have come sooner, had you called me," Jack snapped, his hurt letting his temper get the better of him.

"Your mother --"

"You didn't want me here. I know that."

"It...." Jonathan sighed. "It was not pleasant. You would not have wanted to be here then."

"I would have liked to have had that choice." Jack's voice a harsh whisper, his hands clenching into fists as he fought for control. He would have come, and stayed with her. "She was --" he cut himself off, and looked down at his sleeping mother. "She is my mother. It was my right to be here."

Jonathan's face filled with anger, his finger stabbing out at Jack without making contact. "How dare you presume? You have no rights here. None whatsoever."

Jack's eyes snapped up to meet Jonathan's. "How dare you say that?"

"Where the hell have you been for the past six years? How many times did your mother have to call you before you deigned to return her calls?" His eyes narrowed to slits.

"Doing my job. Protecting this country. I was out of town a lot." While that was true, he wasn't out of town all the time, and they both knew it.

"On those top secret missions?" Jonathan snarled, lip curling in distaste. "With your archeologist friend."

"As a matter of fact, yes. I was. I called back as soon as I could." Sometimes, he'd wait a while, until he could deal with it. "And you're a fine one to talk about not being there. Where the hell have you been for the past twenty years?"

A cry of distress came from the bed, and they both looked down.

"No," his mother whispered, her voice almost not there. She gasped for breath. "Stop it. Please."

Jonathan looked at him, and nodded. "I'll sit with her."

"Fine." Jack leaned down and kissed his mother's forehead. "Night, mom. See you tomorrow." He waited until she nodded before he strode out. Letting Jonathan goad him had been a mistake, he knew that.

Daniel looked up from the sofa he was sitting on, and smiled at him. Motioning Jack over, he patted the seat cushion, and put an arm around Jack as he sat down.

"How's it going?"

"Just had a fight with my father." Jack put his head on Daniel's shoulder. "In front of my mother."

"She woke up?" Daniel asked gently, petting Jack's back and shoulders, automatically trying to comfort him, even if he didn't deserve it.

"You got it." Jack hated himself and his father right then.

"What did your father say?" Pulling him a little closer, Daniel held on and Jack let him, soaking up the warmth.

"That I hadn't been there for my mom in the last few years and that I had no right to expect to be here now." Jack knew he'd been wrong and now he was paying a high price for his mistakes. There were no do-overs and what he'd missed he'd never get back.

"And what did you say?"

"He's not wrong. I wasn't good about keeping in touch with her when she called me."

"You don't live an ordinary life," Daniel said, sliding his fingers slowly through Jack's hair. "Or an easy one. Cut yourself some slack."

"She's my mother. She would call and sometimes I wouldn't call back, or I'd wait a month."

"I'm sure she understood."

"She said she did. I know she was hurt by it. I should have been...." Jack's voice caught, and he had to take a deep breath.

"Jack, you can't second guess yourself now," Daniel said, kissing his forehead. "You're here with her, that's what counts."

Jack nodded. There was nothing else he could say or do to make it better. "Want to go back to the hotel?"

"Yeah."

He let Daniel lead him out of the house and back to the hotel.

* * *

Early the following morning, the phone rang. Daniel answered, handing it to Jack, and shaking his head.

"Hello," Jack said, his heart in his throat, already knowing. As clichéd as it was to think it, no good news comes at 3:30 in the morning.

"Your mother died at 3:15 this morning," Jack's father told him without preamble. "The funeral will probably be in a couple of days. I'll make arrangements in the morning," he paused and Jack could almost hear him shaking his head. "Later in the morning."

"Thank you for letting me know." Jack hesitated and then added, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No. Thank you. Most of the arrangements have already been made. I'll let you know later what time, and where."

"Thank you." Jack handed the phone back to Daniel and he hung it up. "My mother died."

Daniel turned and took Jack into his arms, holding him close. "It's okay," Daniel whispered, his hands comforting on Jack's shoulders. "I'm here."

"It's not." Jack pulled him closer and trembled. "I can't. I don't." Lifting his head, he kissed Daniel deeply.

Meeting Jack's kiss with one just as forceful, Daniel pushed back, putting him on his back and leaning over him, kissing him passionately.

"Yeah," Jack whispered, changing their positions and pushing Daniel's boxers off. "Oh, yeah."

Getting his own boxers off with one hand, Jack rolled on top of Daniel. Daniel tried to push back, but Jack wanted to be in control this time.

"Jack. Slow down." Daniel pushed again, his hands hard against Jack's flanks.

This time Jack shifted a little. "Sorry. Need you."

"I'm here. Just go a little slower."

Pressing his hips down again, and reaching between to angle them properly, Jack moved strongly with the rhythm. Daniel met each thrust, matching it with his own power. The pleasure built between them and he reveled in it. They hadn't done it this fast or furious, this hard. It was over quickly -- a flash of raw pleasure and he was coming, slickness gushing onto his belly.

In the aftermath, he held Daniel tightly, his face pressed to Daniel's chest. He shook, taking giant gulps of air, without making another sound.

"It's all right, Jack." Daniel stroked his head, fingers carding through his hair gently, comfortingly.

"My mother died." Jack choked on the words, his breaths still coming in deep pants, not recovered yet.

"I know. I know." Daniel held him tight, offering comfort Jack could only find in him. Not enough, he thought, not nearly enough. "It's okay to let go."

The pressure in his chest built, Jack wanted to release it, knew he would be safe with Daniel, but it wouldn't let go. He couldn't let go. "I can't. I never can."

"Shhh...." Daniel stroked him, holding him. "Shhh...."

Eventually, Jack drifted back into sleep.

* * *

Two nights later, Jack and Daniel returned to Jonathan's house for a gathering of his mother's friends. She'd asked not to have a viewing, but her priest would conduct a service. The funeral would be the following morning.

Jack knocked on the door, and was astounded when Sara opened it. Aside from the red-rimmed eyes, she looked very good, and Jack thought perhaps he shouldn't be thinking that.

"Jack," she said, stepping aside and smiling slightly. "And Dr. Jackson, isn't it?"

"Yes," both he and Daniel answered together as they looked at each other and then at her again.

"How are you, Sara?" Jack asked, stepping in.

"I'm fine. There's food and drinks around. I'm sure you know the way." She waved her hand out in the direction of the dining room.

"Did.... Is...." Jack trailed off. What was her husband's name? He looked at her and shrugged.

She took pity on him. "Yes, Mark is with me."

Jack nodded and followed Daniel into the house.

As with many things, he hadn't realized that Sara had remained close friends with his mother. He'd never considered the possibility.

After a while, Jack made his way out to the deck and sat on the steps, looking out at the back yard and trying not to think too hard.

Some time later he heard the back door open and close. "Daniel?"

"No. Sara."

He turned to watch her sit down next to him, but could think of nothing to say to his ex-wife.

"You looked surprised when I opened the door."

"I was." He looked down and then back at her. "I guess I thought that when you divorced me, you divorced the rest of the family, too."

Sara laughed softly and shook her head. "Doesn't always work that way. I stayed close with your mom."

Which meant…. "You knew what was going on."

"Yes. I've been out to see her several times this year," Sara said, her voice full of pain and regret.

"And you didn't think to tell me?" Jack knew he was being unfair, but he felt unfairly treated by being excluded. Someone should have told him. He should have known.

"When have I talked to you?" Sara asked, her eyes flashing with a challenge Jack recognized too well.

"Point," Jack conceded, not wanting to make her angry at him. "You might have asked her to tell me."

"I did, Jack. I think that's why she finally called you."

"Actually my father did," Jack said, bitterly. "Only last week."

Sara nodded. "I was here two weeks ago. I told her to let you know. That it wasn't fair that you didn't."

"Thanks." There was too much bitterness in him to really be forgiving. They should have told him. "Why didn't she tell me?"

"She wasn't sure you really cared and she didn't want to know for sure."

Something sharp went through Jack and he closed his eyes against it. "Why on earth would she think that? I loved her. She had to know I did."

"How many times have you talked to her in the last year? In the last five years?" Sara asked, but surprisingly without any censure in her tone.

Though counting up the times, Jack knew he deserved it. He blinked a couple of times. "About three times this year."

"And why is that?" She held up her hand. "No, don't answer it. I don't want to know, okay? It's none of my business, anyway."

"Sara...." Jack turned to actually look at her. She looked sad. "I thought she didn't care. That she was like him."

"I know. She did care. In his own way, so does your father."

Jack snorted, and shook his head. He knew he hadn't been fair to his mother these last few years, but his father was a completely different story.

"Believe what you want to believe, Jack. You always do." There was too much pain in those quiet words. Jack didn't want to rehash his and Sara's past. He hoped they were both over it, and had moved on.

Silent for a moment, Sara cleared her throat and asked, "Are you happy?"

"As much as the next guy." He shrugged. "You?" Turning towards her, he felt like they might be approaching safer ground.

"Yes. I'm glad you found someone. Even if it was a bit of a shock." She laughed nervously, and blushed.

"What?" How the hell did she know about him and Daniel? She hadn't seen them together for more than thirty seconds. What did they do, send up smoke signals?

"Um... " she shrugged, still blushing as she struggled for words. "I mean…. If he makes you happy and...."

Jack could feel the flush spreading over his face. "Um...."

Taking a deep breath, Sara met his eyes, and Jack saw a reluctant acceptance there. "I have to admit, it took a while to... to accept that you went from me... to... to a man."

"Um.... How long have you --"

"Known?"

Jack nodded, still unable to speak. He could not believe this, could not believe he was actually having this conversation with his ex-wife.

"A couple of years."

"Years," he squeaked. "Years?"

"I saw you both together a couple of times in the Springs." She looked down; her cheeks very red. "He came with you when we met with the lawyers for our divorce. It was, well, obvious that there was something between you."

"I had a broken leg. I couldn't drive then." But Jack remembered how grateful he'd been that Daniel had driven him. It would not have been that difficult to take a cab, but having Daniel there had been so comforting.

She looked at him, and Jack could see she wasn't getting it. He finally found his voice, incredulous though it was. "Too bad I didn't know how it was sooner."

"You're not going to tell me..." she blushed harder. "No. I know what I saw."

"Five days," Jack told her with a laugh. He felt like a complete idiot for not realizing it sooner, but then he should have known a lot of things that he hadn't.

"Five days what?" She looked at him, confused.

"That's how long... for Daniel and me...."

Sara shook her head. "I can't believe that. I saw you together."

"We've always been good friends."

"There's friends and then there...." Sara fell silent, a crease across her brow said she was considering what she'd seen. "You seemed so easy together. I'd never seen you that easy with anyone, not even me."

"When did you see us?"

"Almost two years ago. You and he were in a restaurant, La Creperie, and you were laughing at something. I remember you reached out and touched him. I watched you for a while."

"Why didn't you come over?" Jack remembered that night. It had been Daniel's birthday and they had gone out to celebrate. He'd let Daniel pick the place and paid for the evening. That Sara had been there and he hadn't noticed said tons about his focus that night.

"I didn't want to disturb you, and I was with Mark. We had just started dating."

Uncomfortable with the current topic, Jack found the perfect segue into another topic of conversation. "How did my mother feel about Mark?"

Sara laughed and let him change the subject. "She came to my wedding."

"Oh." Jack didn't know what to say about that. The silence went on for a while, and then Sara went back into the house.

* * *

Sometime later, Daniel sat down next to him. "You okay, Jack?"

Jack leaned into his shoulder. "Yeah."

"Then why are you sitting out here in the dark?" Daniel asked, worry clear in his eyes and his voice.

"Been thinking."

"'bout?"

"How little I really knew her. How I should have known she was into mythology or that she was still friends with Sara, or that she was sick," Jack said, closing his eyes and bracing himself.

"It happens that way sometimes. We just don't know," Daniel said soothingly, his hands moving on Jack's arm.

"Or don't want to know," Jack said, harshly, pulling away from the comfort and fighting against the ache in his lungs. "I let her slip away."

"She let you go, too." Daniel reached out again, and this time Jack leaned into him.

"She tried. How long could someone bang their head against an unyielding wall? If I'd been thinking of anyone other than myself, I might have known about what was happening with her." Jack drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

Daniel shook his head and put an arm around Jack's shoulders. "I wish I could say something that would make it better, but I can't."

"I know." Jack's chest felt tight and he leaned farther into Daniel, turning towards him, breathing in the scent that meant solace, seeking the comfort only Daniel could give him.

Finally, Jack felt something inside him shift. He took a breath and then another as the grief and pain became unbearable.

When the emotions buffeting him could not be held back any longer, Jack gave in and cried. He cried for himself; for the child he'd been, for the man he was. He cried for all the things he wished he'd said. For all of his lost hopes. Most of all, he cried for the mother he'd loved and hadn't been able to connect with in a way that satisfied either of them.

Once he'd yielded to it, he could not stop. The emotions ravaged him, and kept coming, painful memories mixed with good. Not just his mother; others he'd lost, too. They converged on him, accusing him, forgiving him and finally, releasing him.

After what seemed like forever, he managed to slow it, and then finally stop, staying in Daniel's arms, feeling foolish and comforted. "Thanks," he said, lifting his head, and wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

Daniel had tears on his cheeks, and Jack raised a hand to wipe them away. "You okay?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Daniel laughed weakly, leaning forward to kiss Jack's mouth tenderly. "Better?"

"I'm okay." Jack realized that was more or less true. He'd never be able to get back what he'd lost, but he'd go on as he always did. Now, with Daniel by his side.

"Me too."

"Let's get out of here before someone sees us."

They helped each other to their feet and made their way back into the kitchen. There were still a lot of people milling around, but no one seemed to pay much attention to them as they slipped out.

* * *

Jack remained silent as Daniel drove him back to the hotel, undressed him and put him to bed. When Daniel would have left, Jack reached out. "Don't go yet."

"I won't." Daniel settled himself on the bed next to Jack. Turning on the bedside lamp, the room was cast in a golden glow. "You want to talk?"

"No." Jack shook his head, not looking at Daniel.

Nodding, Daniel just waited.

"I'm sorry about before. Losing it like that." The chagrin in Jack's eyes said how embarrassed he was by the tears he'd shed.

"Even macho colonels are allowed to grieve, you know. You've just lost your mother." Daniel's tone was chiding and gentle at the same time.

Jack snuggled into Daniel's side. "I just want to forget for a while."

"Whatever you need," Daniel said, leaning down to kiss him softly, slipping his tongue into Jack's mouth.

Kissing Jack had not become commonplace enough for Daniel to take for granted; he loved it. The molding of lips, the sliding of tongue, the tasting of the flavors of Jack's mouth all thrilled him. Jack's breathing hitched and then became uneven. Under Daniel's hand, he could feel Jack's heart start to pound as he deepened the kiss.

With all the tenderness in him, Daniel lavished his attention on Jack, sliding down his body, kissing, and licking, and stroking. He listened for signs, the sighs, the moans, all telling him what Jack liked, and what turned him on.

When Daniel would have closed his mouth over Jack, a hand stopped him and he looked up.

Jack shook his head. "I want to forget."

"Do you want me?" Daniel was ready for more, but had been hesitant to say anything yet, wanting to give Jack time to adjust to what they'd been doing.

"I want...." Jack looked away, his face flushing in the soft light. He shook his head.

Daniel did understand what he wasn't asking for, but thought perhaps it wasn't such a good idea. "Jack. I think... um, not now. It's pretty intense."

"You know what you're doing?" Jack leaned up on an elbow, looking right at him, eyes intense with barely suppressed desire.

"Yes." Daniel was fairly confident he could make it good for Jack. That was just a question of the right moves and not doing them too fast. The emotional part was another story.

"Then do it. I want to forget everything." Jack sounded desperate for relief, for something outside himself.

"It will hurt. You know that."

"I do now. Please. Don't make me beg. I want you."

"Okay. Just lie back." Daniel decided to take Jack at his word and give him what he'd asked for and hope like hell he wouldn't change his mind in the morning.

Jack closed his eyes and shuddered. Daniel moved back up to embrace him, heart beating double-time. This was not something he thought they'd get to yet. At some point, almost every couple tries it at least once, but they hadn't been a couple that long. If he kept worrying about it, he'd obsess over it and lose sight of his real goal.

Daniel dismissed everything else from his mind. His whole body was centered on making Jack happy and helping him get through tonight. Starting slowly, he worked his way down Jack's chest, taking care, kissing and licking, first his nipples and then down to his furry belly. His hands stroked tenderly, touching, and kneading.

Responding enthusiastically, Jack moaned, moving with the touches, sighing his pleasure. Daniel rolled him over, starting again at the nape of Jack's neck and moving downward, sucking on his spine, and stroking his flanks. Nuzzling the small of his back, Daniel petted the round cheeks, and then spread them, blowing across the heated flesh between.

Jack jumped when Daniel's tongue touched him intimately, crying out when Daniel pushed inside a little bit. Musky and dark, Daniel relished the taste, the texture, and the pleasure he was giving. Jack was incoherent, seemingly lost in the sensations and Daniel was pleased to keep it that way. He continued until he could tell that Jack was almost at the precipice, and then he pulled back.

Groaning, Jack opened his eyes. "More?"

"Soon. Promise." Daniel did a quick assessment of what they could use for lube, coming up with some sunscreen he had in his toiletries pack and he didn't care to think about how old it might be. Retrieving it from the bathroom, he opened it and smelled it. Would it smell bad if it were bad?

"Daniel?"

"Sorry. Needed something before we could continue."

"What, for God's sake?"

Daniel chuckled to himself. Did Jack sound a little impatient or what? "Well, something to use for lube."

"Oh. Fuck."

"Well, if we didn't have something, then no, we wouldn't be able to, but as it happens...." Daniel waved the sunscreen at him. "Okay? We don't have to go through with this, you know."

"Yeah. But I want to."

"Jack, I can make you forget without fucking you. There are other things. Lots of other things." Daniel wanted to try every last one of them. "We don't have to do this now."

"I'm sure you can do all sort of things, but I want to. Can we get to it, and talk about it later?" Jack managed to sound pretty impatient for it.

"Sure thing," Daniel said, hoping the sappy emotions he was feeling didn't show on his face, or at least not too much.

A glance told him he needn't have worried. Jack eyes were half-closed, glazed, and waiting. Squeezing a little of the sunscreen onto his fingers, Daniel waited. If it were bad, it might burn and better his fingers than something more delicate, not to mention harder to explain.

"Daniel, are you asleep?" Jack asked, sounded a little aggravated. "What is the hold up here?"

Jack was just going to have to wait until he was ready and that meant being sure this wasn't going to hurt him. "No, just making sure this is going to work."

Jack sighed loudly. "I really didn't think it was going to be this complicated."

"Sorry."

"Just do it."

Daniel put a slick finger against him. "Ready."

"Yes. Okay. Yes." Jack shifted, hips moving down into the bedding.

Daniel pressed in a little, and then pulled out and put more sunscreen on his finger. "Turn back over."

"Doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose with that end down?" Jack asked, but he did turn over.

"Trust me." Daniel bent his head, nuzzled the flagging hardness, giving him a long lick. "This will be better if you're not paying as much attention to start with."

"Mmm." Jack thrust up against his lips, looking for more.

Taking Jack into his mouth, he sucked as his finger made its way between Jack's ass cheeks, pressing in very slowly.

"More like it," Jack groaned, his hips bucking up, and Daniel took him all the way into his mouth, opening his throat.

Working his fingers into Jack, slowly opening him up and pleasuring him, Daniel brought him right to the brink again before pulling back.

"Want to turn over again?" Daniel put the sunscreen on himself very carefully, Jack's enthusiastic encouragement had been a big turn on and he was close himself.

"No. Can't we do it like this?"

"Well, it's better the other way. Easier for you."

"I want to see you."

Daniel sighed. Jack never did anything the easy way. "Okay."

He maneuvered Jack's long legs to where he wanted them to go, and then leaned over him to press in.

Hot and tight and soft. He and Jack both groaned at the initial penetration. Resisting the urge to plunge in and take everything, Daniel took a deep breath and let it out slowly, fighting for control. If he moved now, he would hurt Jack and that was not an option.

"Breathe out," he instructed. "Hard."

"'kay."

The constriction eased a little, and Daniel pushed in more, waiting again as sweat broke out along his body. It was a laborious process, but Jack's body finally yielded to his invasion.

Starting to move slowly, Daniel tried to ignore the marvelous tightness, the heat, the overwhelming pleasure, and concentrate on making it good for Jack. For a time, Jack just moved with him, as he angled in, and then out, but then, then, he heard the gasp he'd been waiting for.

"Jesus. Daniel."

Oh, yeah. Finally there. He moved again, finding the right spot, right angle, and then the right rhythm. Jack was flying and then he was flying with him, to all the places he wanted to take Jack and go himself.

Hearing Jack scream in pleasure ignited Daniel and he couldn't stop. He slammed into Jack over and over until the world went away and they were coming. He called out Jack's name, straining, reaching for and then finding the stars.

Somehow they untangled themselves and lay there, panting.

"Damn, Daniel," Jack whispered, pulling him close and holding him. "That was pretty amazing."

"My pleasure."

"Love you." Jack's voice was heavy with sleep.

"Me too." Daniel wasn't far behind and he closed his eyes, and let it come, too tired and too content to care about anything else.

* * *

Daniel woke slowly, satiation adding to the languor of his body. Reaching out, the bed near him was cold, and empty, but before he could think about his missing lover, a sound alerted him that Jack had not gone far. He stood at the window, the lights from the city illuminating him enough to see he was naked, leaning on the ledge, looking out.

"Jack?" Daniel said, getting out of bed, and coming to stand behind him. He slid his arms around Jack's waist, fingers splaying on his furry belly.

"I'm fine," Jack said, pressing back, close.

Nuzzling Jack's neck, Daniel just breathed in the Jack scent, finding his own comfort in that. "Then why are you standing here at three in the morning?"

Jack sighed, rubbing a hand on Daniel's arm slowly. "I'm just thinking."

"About what?"

"Stuff." Which he recognized as Jack-speak for 'he really didn't want to talk about it'.

Under normal circumstances, Daniel would have backed off, but was too much going on for him to let something important slip past. "What kind of stuff?"

Turning around, Jack slid his arms around Daniel's neck. "Too much stuff. Way too many meaning of life things."

"Yeah. About before." Daniel knew Jack would have a problem dealing with what they'd done, especially when he'd had time to think about it. Jack was too controlled, too macho, too straight.

"That was fine." Jack kissed him slowly. "Very fine."

Daniel opened his mouth and let Jack kiss him for a while longer. When Jack pulled back, Daniel put a hand on his cheek. "So, um, if it's not the sex, then what else is wrong?"

"Something Sara said. About my father loving me, in his own way." Jack's whole demeanor had changed from sexy intenseness to troubled in a second's span of time.

"You don't believe it." Daniel had seen the way Jack's father had looked at Jack. Beyond the bad behavior both of them had exhibited, he thought that Jack's father did care and could not express it any better than Jack could.

"No. But I promised my mother I'd talk to him. Originally, I planned to --"

"Blow it off?" Which would have been so typical of Jack, dealing with something emotionally unpleasant by not dealing with it.

"Yeah."

"But now?" Daniel asked.

"Maybe he and I could talk somewhere other than the house, sort of neutral ground. We might be able to deal with each other without either of us getting territorial."

"I think that's a good idea." Daniel ran his hands down Jack's long back and settled them onto his butt. "I think we should go to bed."

Jack leaned closer, and whispered against his mouth, "I don't think I can sleep."

"I think I can help you with that." He kissed Jack slowly, pressing into him, smoothing his hands along Jack's skin.

* * *

The funeral was an endless blur for Jack. Several people spoke about his mother and that only emphasized the fact that he hadn't really known her. His father agreed to meet him the following day, before Jack and Daniel left to return to Colorado.

Jack approached the meeting with trepidation. The child in him was afraid to hope and the adult wasn't sure he wanted to. What he knew was comfortable, and what he didn't was too unknown and fraught with painful consequences.

The restaurant his father had chosen was an outdoor café, and the weather was warm enough for them to sit outside, but still cool enough that most of the other patrons chose not to. After the initial greeting, which was strained, silence descended and remained until Jack's nerves were stretched to their limit.

"So," Jack said, needing to say something or go nuts with the tension. "Um.... If there's nothing to say, we can walk away now." That was his first choice until he saw the flash of pain in Jonathan's eyes.

It occurred to Jack that his father probably wasn't any better at talking or expressing emotions than he was. The only person on the whole face of the planet Jack could talk to was Daniel. It also occurred to Jack that the only person his father might have been able to talk to was his mother -- or worse, there was no one his father could talk to. Until he'd met Daniel, he'd been there, done that, and it sucked beyond the telling.

"If that's what you want." Jonathan's voice was hard, sounding as if he didn't care one way or another.

"Um... you know, I don't know what I want. What do you want?" Jack asked after another short silence.

For a while Jonathan said nothing, and just about the time Jack was ready to give up, he started to speak, "In the fifties, men didn't spend a lot of time with their families. They went out to work."

"I know that," Jack snapped. But then relented when Jonathan's face closed off entirely. "I'm sorry. Go on."

Jonathan sighed. "I...." He looked down and sighed again. "I had no idea how to deal with you. I had spent my entire life working on making it to the top."

"Did you? Make it to the top?" Not that it mattered much, but if someone worked towards something to the exclusion of all else, they should at least get that thing, even if it's only for a little while.

"Yes. I retired as CEO for Chandler. But I lost something along the way." Jonathan looked away. "Something I didn't even know I'd miss."

"What?" Jack asked, fearing and hoping at the same time.

"You."

Closing his eyes against the sting, Jack inhaled sharply, every muscle in his guts clenching tight. He'd waited his entire life to hear that acknowledgment and now that he had, it shattered him like glass against stone.

"Oh," Jack choked out. After a pause, he'd regained enough control so that he could speak. "I didn't know you'd even noticed."

"I suppose I deserve that." Jonathan's quiet tone betrayed a level of emotion that Jack would not have believed possible.

Jack nodded. He found he had a lot more resentment than he had forgiveness in him. "Don't you think it's a little late for this?"

Jonathan closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them, pinning Jack with another sad look. "I do. But I promised your mother I'd try to explain. So hear me out."

"Fine." Jack wasn't sure how much more of this he was going to be able to handle without falling apart. His chest was so tight that in another second he wasn't going to be able to breathe.

"I hated that priest. How could he succeed with you, when I couldn't?" The abruptness and venom in Jonathan's words surprised the hell out of Jack.

"Is that why?"

"Why what?" Jonathan had no idea what he was talking about, that much was clear.

"Why you wouldn't sign my admissions forms to the academy." Between himself and his father that was the most defining moment; the one Jack could not forgive.

Jonathan's face flushed, and he looked away. "Yes. I was a selfish bastard. I wanted you to ask again--"

"You wanted me to beg?" Jack choked, hands clenching on the table. He'd almost believed that he might be able to forgive his father. Had wanted to believe it was at least possible.

"No, no. I wanted you to ask, but you didn't. I should have done it, then, but I wanted my opinion to matter enough for you to ask why I didn't want you to go."

"You didn't want me to go because you thought, you said, I was too good for it." Jack's jaw tightened painfully as he remembered the arguments, the recriminations. He'd worked so damned hard to get in and there was Jonathan saying it was worthless. "If Mom hadn't signed, I would have found a way to get in anyway."

"She was furious with me. That's as close as she ever came to leaving me." The pain in his voice didn't negate what he'd done.

"Why didn't she?" Jack would have understood and cheered her on.

"That priest talked her out of it. Said that she wouldn't do either of us any good by divorcing me."

"He wasn't always right."

"In this case he was. In your case, he might have been too. You changed for him."

"He actually had an interest in me, when no one else did." Jack glared at Jonathan. "As a person, rather than --"

A look of horror started across Jonathan's face. "Is that why you're gay? That priest?"

It took a second for his meaning to kick in. When it did, Jack was absolutely dumbfounded. "No! Don't be ridiculous. How could you think such a thing? Father Sullivan was the best thing that happened to me as a kid. He's the reason I became something better than a juvenile delinquent."

Jonathan hung his head. "I'm sorry. I do know that. I just resented the hell out of him for it."

"Anyway, he's not the reason I'm gay." The words stuck in his throat. He couldn't believe he'd actually said it out loud, especially since he didn't feel gay. But if he weren't gay, then how could he be in love with Daniel? There was no doubt in his mind about that. He supposed he'd get used to the idea soon enough, since he had no intention of ever giving up Daniel.

"Then why are you? Was it because I wasn't there?"

Jack laughed and shook his head at the irony of the whole thing. "Actually, you're the one who gave me the idea in the first place."

Jonathan looked scandalized "What?"

"If you hadn't intimated what you did about me and Daniel, I'm not sure I would have ever bought a clue." That probably wasn't true. Jack hoped it wasn't.

"You're joking. Please tell me you're joking."

"Nope." Jack shook his head. He could be gracious and let his father off the hook on this one. "I don't know why. It's probably just Daniel. I've never been close to another man, not like him."

Jonathan nodded, still looking uncomfortable, still not meeting Jack's eyes. "I don't know where to go from here."

"Where would you like to go?" Jack asked, not sure what he wanted or what he should do. Nothing could be resolved now, or quickly. As much as he might have wanted to on occasion, he'd never been able to walk away completely, and he was pretty sure he wasn't going to be able to do it now.

"Where would you like to?"

"I asked first." Jack smiled, recognizing his own tactics.

"Yes, but you're the one who has to make the decision." Jonathan met his eyes. "I find I don't want to let you go."

Hearing those words, even after all these years, was a moment of pure joy. Tangible proof that his father did care. "Okay. But I'm not ready to be fishing buddies yet, either."

"Certainly not." Jonathan cleared his throat. "If I came to Colorado, would you have dinner with me?"

"You'd come all the way out there for dinner?"

Jonathan shrugged and looked away. "Well, I'd see Sara too. Maybe I'll deliver the books to Dr. Jackson."

Sara, he could understand. "The books?"

"Your mother's collection of mythology. Since he seemed so taken with it, I thought I might give it to him. If you have no objections. They really are yours."

"No. I think he'd like that a lot. Save me from having to buy him a birthday present."

Jonathan smiled, and so did Jack.

* * *

Epilogue

Jack unlocked the door and pushed it open, allowing Daniel to navigate his crutches into the house. "Go to the table, " Jack said, shifting the bags of food, and closing the door.

It had been a long three days. They had been captured by a group of outlaws on the fringe of a village they had made contact with. Said villagers then had to rescue them by raiding the outlaws' camp. All had ended well enough, and things would have been perfectly fine if Daniel hadn't sprained his ankle trying to get away from the leader of the outlaws, whom he'd pissed off in a major way by refusing her attentions. Jack privately found the whole thing amusing. Poor guy just didn't realize his appeal.

As Jack passed him, he put a hand on Daniel's shoulder. "How are you feeling?"

"Just fine." Daniel sounded put upon. "My ankle hurts."

"At least it's not broken," Jack said, pulling the cartons of Chinese out of the bag and setting one of them in front of Daniel and the other in front of himself. "You can have more pain pills after you eat. Plates?"

"Nah, don't bother." Daniel picked up his chopsticks and dug into the carton, adding a bit of rice as he ate.

Jack did the same and they ate in companionable silence for a while. "Fuck. Messages," Jack stood and hit the on button on the machine.

There were the usual hang-ups, and Mrs. Nelson from across the street needed her fence repaired again. Jack smiled. The woman was eighty if she was a day. About five foot nothing and had a huge red Doberman named Tiny who regularly ate her wooden fence. He'd see what he could do about fixing it this weekend.

The next message came on: "This is Jonathan O'Neill -- your father." There was a slight pause and Jonathan coughed. "I'll be in Colorado next week. Would you like to have dinner with me? If so, please call me back and let me know when it's convenient." There was another pause. "I've shipped the books to your house for Dr. Jackson." The phone clicked.

Jack sighed. Oh, he knew his father was trying. Jack doubted they'd ever be really close, or even close at all, but he supposed he should do the same. He'd call him back later.

"Jack?" Daniel peered at him over his glasses, looking concerned. "What was that about?"

"I didn't mention that my father was probably going to come out to see Sara and have dinner with me?"

"Um, no, actually, you didn't. When did this happen?"

"I talked to him last week."

"Oh."

Daniel had that hurt look in his eyes. The one that made Jack feel like shit. He should have mentioned it before now, but the convenient truth was that he'd forgotten. The last few weeks hadn't been easy for him. Too much to deal with and not enough time to think about it. He looked down, contrite. "Sorry."

"Why didn't you mention it?" Daniel's tone had that inquiring sound to it and Jack knew he wasn't going to get out of talking about it.

"I didn't want to think about it." Which was a harder truth to tell. Jack glanced out the window. The grass really needed to be cut.

"Why?"

"Do we have to do this now?"

"No. Of course, not. Sorry," Daniel said, looking away, his voice tight and dry. He sat back in this chair and crossed his arms over his chest.

Reaching out, Jack took one of Daniel's hands and held it. "No, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to shut you out." He took a breath and glanced outside again. "I just can't talk about it, him, now."

"It's okay." Daniel tried to pull his hand away, but Jack held on, stroking his thumb over the back of Daniel's hand.

"I know it's not." But there wasn't much Jack could do about it. He couldn't make sense of what he was feeling, hoping. He kissed Daniel's palm and met his eyes. "I need to get my head straight on it."

Leaning over, Daniel kissed him softly. "I understand. You know, I'm here if you want to talk."

"I know." Jack ran his other hand through Daniel's soft hair, cupping the back of his neck to draw him into another kiss. "You've always been there for me."

"Just so that you appreciate it." Daniel smiled, and they kissed again.

"Oh, Daniel, I do.

\--finis--

Started in Sept 2001. Finished in early 2002. Posted December 2002.


End file.
